Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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