Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
