I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Everyone says I win the strip club
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
