Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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