member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
