I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize