Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
