Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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