dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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