have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
try to milk me bitch
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
