About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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