Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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