last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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