i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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