I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
