final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Church boner. Awkwardddd
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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