Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
