when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
