I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
