Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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