You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
