Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
