Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
