Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
