I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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