you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
