Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
