if i can run in heels then i can drive
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
