Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize