what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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