In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
