Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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