I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
