there's paper in my vomit.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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