I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
