Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
