a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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