Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
