I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
ttyl tear gas
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
