Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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