Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
