sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
