So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize