I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
