The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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