if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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