I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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