I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
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