WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
