I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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