Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
