it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am midnight drunk by noon
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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