worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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