I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
