Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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