It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
