you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
