You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize