I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
