im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
