I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Success! We fucked roommates!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
