I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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