My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
